Golden Handcuffs

God. I should really be working right now. I only have about an hour before I am set to do yoga and I have an entire script to re-outline.

But something has been bothering me.

BF went to GDC last week and I tagged along to mooch off his hotel room. On Saturday, we met with an old coworker/friend of his. Although, met might not be the right word. Is there a word for texting last minute, showing up at the place where you’re enjoying a quiet cup of tea, and demanding to go to a bar for the 30 minutes before you must get to your real plans for the evening?

I didn’t think so.

This ex coworker is a lady (although I don’t think that it’s relevant), so I will call her lady coworker. Lady coworker and BF discuss work for a while, complaining about his company as she talks about how great and important and powerful she is. Then they complain how they are trapped in their jobs. They keep making the same terrible game(s), no creative freedom, but they are paid far too well to leave. Waa. Waa. Waa.

Yeah. I know. There is a legitimate point behind their whining. But that didn’t erase my annoyance. How can you be so ungrateful? You are getting paid, and well, insanely well in BF’s case, to create art. You are designing games. This is your dream job. And it’s still not good enough?

God. Do they know how many people I would kill for their six figure incomes? I busted my ass last year and I made under $20k. You sit on your ass at work all day and rake in 5 times that.

Fuckers.

Ungrateful fuckers.

Now. It’s mostly lady coworker who annoys me. She had this superior attitude. A very LA attitude, actually. Like she  is soley responsible for keeping her company from bankruptcy. Like she couldn’t survive in SF for under 100K without slipping into poverty. Like she is better than me because she is a professional and she has a job and she isn’t a pathetic screenwriter with no credits and no agent.

Okay… maybe that last part is me. Maybe this is just how I feel. Like I am not good enough compared to my more successful friends and acquaintances. I guess it bothered me to see this person become so successful when they’ve cared about games less than half the time I’ve cared about screenwriting. Where is the justice?

To be perfectly honest, I can’t really sympathize with them. Money is freedom. Make it now and you can spend five years creating your perfect game. I spend so many of my waking hours obsessing over money. Will I make enough? Will I meet my goal? How will I get new tutoring clients? How much do I make this week? What if someone cancels? Even when I work 15 hours a week, I think of money/work constantly.

But they can sit on their ass. Drive/bike to their cozy jobs and not worry about if someone cancels, if they will make enough. With all those needs secure, their brains should be free to pursue their art all they want in their off hours. If only my brain was that free…

Yes. I’m jealous. Even though I know I’d be miserable sitting in an office 40 hours a week. Unless I could spend half the time writing screenplays. But I’ve squandered my time this week and gotten very little done. I can’t concentrate. I’m too annoyed. I’m annoyed at her. I’m annoyed at him. I’m annoyed at life.

I’m annoyed all the time.

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