I feel depressed today. Too depressed to write my planned upon entry about sexism ruining your writing. I’m tired of hearing myself talk about sexism. Tired of thinking about it. The film industry is so horribly sexist. I can’t change the organizational things. I can’t impeach sexist executives, fire writers who describe their female characters by the quality of their tits, give women roles to play other than mother, girlfriend, or damsel in distress.
The world is fucked, As usual.
But I don’t care about that at the moment. Not really. I’m not sure why I feel so down today. It may be my lull of work. June is a slow time for tutoring. It’s too much time to think. Too much time alone in front of my computer. I’ve signed up at two new companies, but who knows if I’ll get work in July and August. Who knows if I’ll ever get another student again.
I think it’s loneliness. I have been feeling insecure lately. I have my boyfriend, yes, but something feels off about it. We had a weird fight a few weeks ago, caused entirely by my inability to drink without getting angry or depressed, and I’ve felt distant since. I’m not doing it on purpose or anything. I just feel like this relationship is a path I’m in, whether I want to be or not. It’s not that I don’t want to be in it, but I feel like I don’t have a choice in the matter. He is one of my only close friends. Sure, there are other people I see. Other people I can talk to, but no one I could call at 3 A.M., no one who would let me crash on their couch, no one who knows all the things I’ve done. And I would never be able to support myself alone, to rent a room somewhere with my crappy salary.
But, more than that, I feel defeated. Like I cannot stand alone, as my own person. I have time myself and I don’t know what to do with it, other than rewatching my favorite movies and TV. I need a stronger hobby. Something beyond reading blogs. I need a hobby that connects me to people.
I suppose I’m at a loss. I’m personable. I know how to make friends. But, in LA, everyone seems to be in it only for networking or dates. I meet lots of people, but it’s always one meeting, a few emails, and a whole lot of nothing.
The whole thing is so distressing I don’t want to think about it. But that never solved anything, did it?