I dyed my hair blonde last week. Was it for attention, some desperate cry to get some guy, somewhere to notice me, want me, think of me? Perhaps. I’ve always wanted to go blonde, blonde, and after a bad dye job at the salon, I bleached and toned it myself.
It is strange how much I’ve thought of my appearance the last few weeks. I look at my new hair do and wonder how it frames my face or compliments my eyes. I wonder what colors I should wear, if I should change my make up. I wonder how natural it looks and if I care. I wanted to make a statement. A statement that I was light, bright, effervescent.
It has always felt comfortable to mold my appearance. After my months as a domi, I needed to do something to mark my body. I got another tattoo. Months later, when I was still struggling with feeling objectified, I cut my hair short.
But now, after mostly retiring from modeling, with the domi times way behind me, I have dyed my hair blonde and I intend to grow it out. Does this mean something different, that I am comfortable fitting into the mold of conventionally sexually attractive? Does it mean I want to feel as if people desire me, even if they only think of me as an object for their pleasure? Is it a sign or growth and confidence or stagnation and insecurity?
Or maybe it isn’t a sign of anything but my desire to change my hair color.
Somehow, that option isn’t as fun.