You Should Watch Some Porn and See How it Works

My friend, we’ll call him Desperado (cause he’s really desperate for a GF; he’ll come up in future adventures), asked me to send him a sex scene from my novel. He’s the first person to straight up ask to read a sex scene, but not the first to hint at it.

If any of you know someone writing a romance/otherwise sexy book, do not offer to read a sex scene. This is tantamount to saying “I have absolutely no interest in your creative endeavour except as a masturbation aide.” At the very least, ask to read the whole thing and skim the non-sex parts. Jeez, people, it’s called tact.

Now, to set the scene a bit. Desperado was over at my place, hanging with me and my bf, playing board games. He has a tendency to run jokes into the ground, and he was really excelling at a totally hilarious joke about how my BF downgraded from his ex to be with me (it made sense in context, but it wasn’t funny the first time, and it was especially unfunny and irritating the 15th time). He asked to read a sex scene, so I sent him the first sex scene in the book. The next day, he pestered me with texts, not about me or the scene, but about why my BF wouldn’t go hang out with him the next day. Uh, fuck you, ask him yourself, you do realize you did not invite me to this little hang out session.

Yeah.

So, finally, I ask him what he thought about the scene. His initial feedback was okay. The wording was a little convoluted, so I asked followup questions. Eventually, I figured out what he meant–that the actual intercourse was over too quickly–but it took a lot of work and irritation on my part.

And, of course, he advised me to “watch some porn and see how they do it.”

What. The. Fuck.

First of all, I know how sex works. I don’t need to watch porn to see how sex works.

Second of all, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Porn, seriously? Did you just compare my scene to porn? Did you just compare my scene to porn unfavorably?

Third of all, FUCK YOU.

Honestly, I wasn’t particularly interested in his opinion on the scene. Not the target demo. Never read a contemporary romance. No idea how sex scenes usually play in these things. But, the guy asked to read it. He should offer an opinion of some kind without me prompting, even if it’s, eh, not for me. Really, his final opinion (it starts well but I wish it ended better) would have been fine. But he went on about how he was concerned with how it fit into the story, like, what? You don’t know the story. You obviously aren’t concerned with the story or you’d offer to read the entire book. So please don’t pretend. kthxbye.

The truth is, this is not the first time Desperado has done something to annoy me. He once cornered me into taking him to the airport, and really oddly gave me $20 instead of just thanking me. And did I mention the whole “downgrade” thing? You can call something a joke all you want. It stops being a joke if you say it 10 times. At that point, it’s just an insult. He’s argued with me the last time I was at his place, to the point where he set up straw man after straw man, completely circumventing the original point, arguing even when he agreed.

I guess, what I’m saying, is I’m pretty annoyed with this individual.

And don’t ever, ever include “you should watch some porn” as feedback.

This goes double if the feedback is on your sexual partner’s sexual prowess. Hey, honey, that was pretty good, but maybe you should watch some porn for a few tips, eh???

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2 thoughts on “You Should Watch Some Porn and See How it Works

  1. dont be so tight up! watch porn! it dsnt mean like you dont know how sex works it means you should see it so you can get a little dirtyer or somthing like that! dont be annoyed

    • It’s not really whether or not I watch or like pornographic films. I don’t- they’re too fake for my taste- but that’s really irrelevant.
      Mainstream porn is aimed at men and has a rep for being unappealing to women/ all about the cock/ totally unaware of female pleasure. Erotic romance is aimed at women and, ideally, is much better at presenting authentic female pleasure. Really, there is nothing a male person could say to invalidate his feedback of something marketed to women more than by saying study this thing designed for men.

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